Ready to Change

I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about what I want to accomplish in life. The normal ups and downs that I seem to experience annually have continued, but this time there is something different going on. This year I have felt more anxious, and a deeper drive to make some real changes. In the past internal motivation has never been enough for me to accomplish the things that I have wanted. So I have decided to put everything out here. I am attempting to develop some good habits in the next few months. One of them is to write daily; even if it it just for 5 minutes at first. Whatever is on my mind at the time will end up on this digital notebook provided for free from WordPress.com.

The most important thing that I want to accomplish is a good relationship with my family. My wife and I have two children; both of which are on the Autism spectrum. I am grateful of our daughter’s ability to speak. Even if a lot of her speech is Echolalic. Our son is non-verbal and has his own methods of communication; some of which my wife and I are still trying to figure out. I can only image what kind of perceptions my children have of the world while undergoing the stresses of their disability. I want to be able to help them live up to the potential that I know they have. At the same time I want my wife to be able to live the life that she wants. She sacrifices so much to support the additional needs of our children and I want her to be able to live her life for herself without having to carry the full support of their needs.

I don’t have much of a relationship with my extended family anymore. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to have one. We are geographically spread about the country and it makes it tough to stay in contact. I really do miss all of them. My mother was the main contact point between myself and her family. After her passing in 2005 I didn’t really keep in touch with them like I should have. My post high school life was just beginning and I was busy with what I thought was important at the time. My cousin recently got married last month and I was given the opportunity to see many people that I haven’t seen in over twenty years! I realized how disconnected I was when I began experiencing discomfort being around them. It’s hard to explain; I was happy to be there and to see them, but I was just not accustomed to being around such a large close-knit family. It also made me realize how much time I’ve lost with my father’s side of the family.

Another topic that I want to tackle in my life, and this time for good, is my health. I have been generally slightly unhealthy for a majority of my life. My healthiest state of being was when I was an enlisted soldier in basic combat training for the United States Army. I want to get back to that state of health. I will do so slowly by eating better and exercising. My problem in the past has been that I have created an intricate plan, and failed to follow it because I would miss some step and think, “what’s the point now? The whole plan is ruined!” This leads me into the final change that I am making…

I am going to live my life without goals. After reading the following post: http://zenhabits.net/goal-less/
I realized that my problem with doing the things in life that I want to do is that I have spent too much time meticulously planning every step of the way. I have attempted to use project planning skills to execute life events. This is not possible. My motivation tends to die quickly when things don’t go the way that I have planned. The only way I see to kill this problem is to refuse to create goals. I still have things that I want to accomplish, but I will do so by following the same four principals that the author of Zen Habits explained in the post that I linked to above.

I can’t wait to see what today has in store for my family and me.

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